The 5 conversations you really need to have with your partner before baby arrives
At some point in pregnancy, the nesting instinct kicks in - and suddenly, setting up the nursery, car and house for baby feels like a full-time job (plus night shift). And while these practical preparations are important, it’s just as important to prepare the relationship that will hold you both during the newborn haze.
As a Postpartum Doula, I witness firsthand the common challenges that arise for parents during the sacred, raw and often unexpectedly messy early postpartum period. I believe the antidote to most of these challenges is clear, consistent and connected communication. Part of my postpartum planning with couples is to facilitate and seed conversations on a wide range of important topics from sleep deprivation and family values to feeding, boundaries, mental health and much more.
Below are the five most important conversations you can have before your baby arrives. They’re honest, practical, and - if done well - might just help you avoid a few of those “I’m fine.” (I’m not fine) moments in the fourth trimester.
1. Where will our food come from? (No, really.)
Postpartum is the most nutritionally expensive time in a woman’s life, even more than pregnancy. The tricky part? You won’t be the one doing the cooking. And your partner? Also probably sleep-deprived and elbow-deep in the nappy bin. While it’s good to agree on a few of your favourite takeaways, you can’t survive entirely on Uber Eats.
Now is the time to have a plan:
Batch-cook together and freeze nourishing meals and one-handed snacks that you can simply re-heat and eat.
The best answer to “Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help out ” is “A meal dropped off at the door would be amazing, thank you!” Consider setting up a meal train with friends and family where you can have them drop their meals off on a schedule. It’s how to ensure you don’t get 5 lasagnes dropped off in the first week. Check out mealtrain.com to find out more and set one up.
Ask for meal delivery vouchers or contributions towards a postpartum doula who cooks as your baby shower gifts.
If you do most of the cooking now, make sure your partner knows how to make a few of your favourite dishes, even how you prepare your go-to breakfast and lunch options. They are most likely going to be the first ones spending time in the kitchen again.
Good food is not only vital for your recovery but also a source of great comfort and joy in the fourth trimester. Let it be simple, warming, and sorted before bub arrives.
2. Who’s coming to visit… and when?
First things first: You do not have to invite anyone to visit you in the hospital. It’s your baby, your bubble, your rules.
Once you’re home, it’s wise to keep visits short, sweet, and helpful - especially in the early weeks when you’re still sore, tired, and milk-soaked. Aim for 45-minute visits (unless they’re actively helping around the house). And make sure you and your partner are on the same page about:
Who you’re comfortable having around in those raw, early days. You want to see people who bring warm vibes and ideally limit any tricky people.
How long should visits last before guests arrive.
Who’s responsible for politely wrapping things up (hint: it’s not the person recovering from birth).
Also, each of you should communicate boundaries to your own family - that’s where things usually get sticky.
3. How will we know if one of us isn’t coping?
This one’s big. Postnatal Depression and Anxiety is, unfortunately, a common experience impacting 1 in 5 mums and 1 in 10 dads.
Talk now about how you’ll regularly check in with each other. I often suggest couples create a simple daily ritual of connection:
A 5-minute debrief over tea and a square of chocolate at night
One simple question: How are you doing - really?
And one gentle offer: Is there anything you need right now?
This keeps the emotional connection alive and makes it easier to spot red flags in each other - before things unravel. Bookmark PANDA, COPE and The Gidget Foundation to read up on mental health red flags in the perinatal period and to explore the abundance of free resources, including telehealth counselling support.
4. How can the non-birthing partner support breastfeeding?
Spoiler: breastfeeding isn’t a one-person job; it’s a team effort.
Start by setting shared goals - and learning what’s normal for newborn feeding (read: frequent, unpredictable, and sometimes very emotional). While your partner can’t physically do the feeding, here’s what they can do:
Keep you fed and watered (you’ll be hungrier than you think and instantly thirsty)
Take on domestic duties so you can focus on feeding and resting
Change nappies, soothe, swaddle, settle, go for pram and carrier walks
Learn your feeding preferences so they can advocate for you if needed
Be the person who acknowledges you and says, “You’re doing great” when you’re not sure if it’s night or day
The research shows that when partners are actively supportive of a breastfeeding mum, the mum is significantly more likely to reach their feeding goals.
5. Housework deal-breakers
You know the ones. The wet towel on the floor. The overflowing bin. The plate left “to soak” in the sink for 48 hours.
You’re both going to be exhausted, but tiny things can start to feel very big in postpartum - especially when your hormones are haywire and you just want to rest your eyes on one clear surface in the house.
So before the baby comes, have a light-but-honest convo and agree:
What are each of your non-negotiables around the house?
What’s one thing your partner can commit to taking care of without being asked?
I encourage my families to lower their expectations around the house so there can be some ‘letting go’ and leaning in to the rest and bonding, but knowing what might push you over the edge before you get there is key.
Working your way through these conversations with your partner before your baby arrives is one of the most powerful ways to nurture your relationship and lay the foundations for a supportive postpartum. But remember - you and your partner are not an island. They are one part of your support system, not the whole plan.
The truth is, we’re not meant to do this alone. Start gathering your village early - the friends who will bring food, the family members who’ll lend a hand, and the postpartum professionals (like doulas, lactation consultants, and therapists) who can help hold you both through this transformative season. When you build your support network together, you create space to soften, to connect, and to meet this new chapter with more confidence and care.
If you’re ready to start postpartum planning and build out your own support village, download my postpartum care packages here and book in your free consultation with me today.